Math Test

I took the math test of my life today, and I would say the results are not as I would have hoped. Worst of all, tragically worst of all, I sat in the middle of the math test pondering to myself. The math test was quite difficult and as a result I had little time, if any, to think of anything but the test. Though, without thinking, I developed feeling a natural sensation that I know I’ve felt many, many, times before. I asked myself,

"Self, what the @#$@ are you doing here?"

I felt that feeling that you get in the middle of a speech, a trial, a something... An event in which you ask yourself what you're doing and suddenly you don’t feel like carrying on the urge that brought you to the stage.

This is life, and I'm not living it. Before the test, I sat around my room pondering what to do. At a last ditch effort, a futile attempt at studying for the test; I began to read philosophy in a vain attempt to sharpen my mind so that at least for the arithmetic part of the test my mind would be clear - no easy mistakes. When I was doing that I came across this quote:

"But most people, instead of acting, take refuge in theorizing; they imagine that they are philosophers and that philosophy will make them virtuous; in fact, they behave like people who listen attentively to their doctors but do nothing that their doctors tell them. But a healthy state of the soul will no more be produced by this kind of philosophizing than a healthy state of the body by this kind of medical treatment."

That hit home, particularly with the conversations with Bn. Bn likes to theorize, to look for possible solutions to test his theories. Me? Its more trying to avoid the fact that I’m not where I want to be and I continue to search for someone to get me there. Though, tragically, I understand that everything revolves with me making the decision to move onwards. Strange, I thought with this journal things would change. Looks like the more things change, the more they stay the same.