MM Falls, I Fall, We all Fall

I just don’t know what to write. Today was one of those catastrophic apocalypses in which the forces of fate conspire to collide with your world simultaneously to ensure maximum destruction.

Today three separate forces struck me, though I don’t want to turn this into a bitch session - being that I just sat through two hours of that - but rather as a testament to a milestone I found myself lounging around - a milestone that I had thought I had passed a long time ago.

First and foremost, I saw perhaps one of the most moving images I could have seen from a complete stranger. Today was some type of 'Discovery Day" at my college in which thousands of little fatherless children ran rampant throughout the halls of the college screaming this and that as the university pandered to their every need in a vain attempt to ensure that they would choose this shithole out of the thousands of shitholes that lie within the dense dark solemn landscape of the American educational system.

One, one of these children did stand out though, it was a girl with a "homemade tee-shirt", similar to that in which a student of a gym class would create in a last ditch effort to avoid the penalty imposed for not having his name etched on his shirt. Only her name wasn't etched upon the shirt, but rather a political slogan was, it read:

"Life is Pain" in dark haunting letters, and below it stated:

"Anyone who says otherwise is trying to sell something."

Brilliant. I loved it. I even loved the fact that it was a homemade tee-shirt on a pathetical looking scraggly girl which made it stand out that much more as if she had a strange epiphany and the only way to allow anyone to understand it was to transform her life into a testament to it.

So, now to the three forces that struck me down:

First of all, I felt depressed from the beginning - and let this be a note, if at anytime a male feels depressed all surrounding males have an psychic instinct which first detects the abnormality, then enacts the primal instincts to tear that male apart - I had seen it before and I knew it was coming today, and so it came.

1. So Bn gets the genius idea to begin to 'define' me before others. Stating, "[My Name] is sensitive, no he is hypersensitive - that is his problem." First of all, allow me to state you never never categorize a loner, much less call a guy sensitive. I cannot begin to express the intense loathing that has since entered my mind at the thought of such an inane proposition.

2. I began wondering the halls again - a travesty I know. It happened at my other university as well - I become a complete stranger and begin to randomly walk around and sit in solitude. I find it to be the beginning workings of a complete psycho and could quite possible the very act that inspired me to begin my online journal so many eons ago.

3. MM. MM had a complete collapse and I was there to witness it. She came to me as I was sitting outside our place of employment and began crying, she looked me straight in the eyes and weep as if to silently show me what had consumed her; after which she began to describe how just moments before she was standing on a bridge waiting to jump off into the cold waters that would end her life. Now, I’ve heard plenty of people state they were going to kill themselves on TV, and I’ve read plenty of journal entries in which individuals (like myself) expressed such a notion, though I had never come across this real-life situation. Only once before had a situation taken place and that was over the phone where the impersonal, unaffectionate voice on the other end managed to pull itself together. So, being the good little soldier that I am, I began to console her and state how life was worth living when just hours before I had spent my day wondering around aimlessly in solitude slowly losing my connection with the outside world.

She flat out asks me, "Why should I live?"

To this, I honestly have no answer, though I recalled in a book a short story entitled "The Untold Lie", to which I never quite understood, and suddenly my mind began to race off the notion. I began to spout out endless streams of bullshit about how utopian the future was and how much I cared for her and that the world is a wonderful place. Some of the shit she bought, some she didn’t. I have a strange feeling that, although she was quite genuine in her depression and anxiety, she wanted to cure it all with sex. It was quite strange, because of as some moments I could see in her eyes the desperation of a soul trapped within the cold confines of the twenty-first century and all the illusion that it brings with it, and moments later I could see her wantonness to have sex in order to make everything better.

I wanted to tell her it was all a downward spiral, that this world had nothing to offer, that her sex was merely a temporary illusion from the fact that she was living within the impersonal, incapable of being loved, twenty-first century, but I didn’t, I continued to patronize her.

All this while, which I view as a perfect example of the twenty-first century, a gentlemen across the room sat staring into the computer screen pretending he hadn't heard a thing as this woman began spouting out her intentions to kill herself - that is how it always is, someone screaming into the cold pages of the twenty-first century while no one is there to listen. To redeem the guy, he did come over at the end of his project to state how his girlfriend too was on anti-depressants (thereby stating this was a normal affair). I must give him credit, he tried even though neither of us knew that the @@@@ was going on.

All the while, I sat there, recalling the shirt I had seen hours before,

"Life is Pain - Anyone who says otherwise is selling something."