Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Devastating News

By DEE-ANN DURBIN, AP Auto Writer Tue Nov 22, 4:06 AM ET

United Auto Workers DETROIT - General Motors Corp., pounded by declining sales and rising health care costs, said Monday it will cut more than a quarter of its North American manufacturing jobs and close 12 facilities by 2008.

United Auto Workers called the plan "devastating" and warned it will make negotiations more difficult, but some Wall Street analysts said GM's actions may not go far enough.

How sad.... Merry Christmas in pure capitalistic/global competition fashion.

Remember this when you’re running from store to store buying worthless crap so that some corporation can make revenue this quarter.

Dream of MM

Incredible dream. I dreamt last night about MM, about staying in her dorm room trying to "get with her." I must say it’s about the strangest dream I've had in awhile, it went something like this:

It took place in a dorm room, though not a conventional dorm room. It was much like a house in which she had her own room, while the other guests of the house, other college students, had their own rooms as well. Her room was juxtaposing a type of "family room", which was connected to a kitchen type room where the kitchen and dinner table were joined. So during the entire first half of the dream MM and I concocted a plan in which we would head up to her room and have sex. While in there, MM begins stripping and gets down to her bra. She smiles and asks me if she is beautiful; without hesitating I respond, genuinely, "You look just like Julia Roberts". (Which is funny, because she doesn’t at all.) So, without warning there is a knock at the door and as a result MM flies out of the room and attends to something else. No problem, waiting a few minutes never hurt anyone. I sit down on the bed and begin to wait for her return, as the minutes begin to tick by. Suddenly, a professor, with two students, enters and begins to show them around on some type of open house tour - so naturally they decided to show everyone her room. Frantically, I tried to get them out of the room in hopes that when MM returns we would be ready to continue where we left off. I stand up and begin going through a spiel about the university in a vain attempt to usher them out of the room. It works, after a few minutes they leave and I once again begin waiting for MM to return. After they leave, her roommates show up and begin working on their semester projects in the room, which I find to be an incredible disappointment. I'm just trying to get with one girl, and it seems as if the entire world is working against it...

Continuing on with the tradition of interruptions, I open her dorm door only to find it leads to a type of family room, in which I see a member of my family there asking me for something to eat. @#$@ing unreal. I rush off to some kitchen in search of food trying desperately to get him out of the place and MM back in....

Long story short - events, and people, continue to show up throughout he dream, impeding my progress. Finally, after everything has occurred I realize it is impossible for me to get with her - fate just would not allow it. So I sit down at her computer and begin writing to my journal on there. In the upper left hand corner I write:

Zero - ClouD
MM

…And leave the rest of the page a blank white sheet.

After thinking about the concept of randomly sitting down at someone's computer and posting things on the Internet, I begin to think of it as a question of etiquette and log off the computer. Before I do I save the work to the computer, and leave. I turn back, thinking saving the work was a bad idea, and frantically try to find it on the machine. I fail, I can’t find where the computer saved it to and am desperately running out of time – as I don’t want to get caught writing Zero – ClouD on a computer machine that would link me to the journal.

Last act:
I turn from the computer, realizing the entire day was for naught, and begin heading out the door. As the door opens MM is standing there ready to come back in. I look at her, she returns the look as if to say, "You're leaving?" but she remains silent. I walk past her out the door. Interestingly enough, after all the work I've gone through, I decide to turn back and at least make one more attempt to get with her - as she is now back in the dorm, it couldn't hurt. I open the door, and without stepping into the room, I can see her sitting with three other guys at a large table. I turn and walk out of the entire house, or dorm, alone.

Tell me that isn’t symbolic.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Math Test

I took the math test of my life today, and I would say the results are not as I would have hoped. Worst of all, tragically worst of all, I sat in the middle of the math test pondering to myself. The math test was quite difficult and as a result I had little time, if any, to think of anything but the test. Though, without thinking, I developed feeling a natural sensation that I know I’ve felt many, many, times before. I asked myself,

"Self, what the @#$@ are you doing here?"

I felt that feeling that you get in the middle of a speech, a trial, a something... An event in which you ask yourself what you're doing and suddenly you don’t feel like carrying on the urge that brought you to the stage.

This is life, and I'm not living it. Before the test, I sat around my room pondering what to do. At a last ditch effort, a futile attempt at studying for the test; I began to read philosophy in a vain attempt to sharpen my mind so that at least for the arithmetic part of the test my mind would be clear - no easy mistakes. When I was doing that I came across this quote:

"But most people, instead of acting, take refuge in theorizing; they imagine that they are philosophers and that philosophy will make them virtuous; in fact, they behave like people who listen attentively to their doctors but do nothing that their doctors tell them. But a healthy state of the soul will no more be produced by this kind of philosophizing than a healthy state of the body by this kind of medical treatment."

That hit home, particularly with the conversations with Bn. Bn likes to theorize, to look for possible solutions to test his theories. Me? Its more trying to avoid the fact that I’m not where I want to be and I continue to search for someone to get me there. Though, tragically, I understand that everything revolves with me making the decision to move onwards. Strange, I thought with this journal things would change. Looks like the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Political/Social Theory

Quite a few things occurred today.

1. BN and I had a conversation concerning politics

2. Brother received his failing grades

1. So Bn and I had one of our classic conversations today, though instead of dabbling in the usual subject of philosophy we mixed it up and went straight into politics - social matters to be specific. I have no problem talking about philosophy, though I really did not want to get into a drawn out debate about social policy and thought. They always say that the easiest way to lose a friend is through a discussion of politics and religio, both of which we hit upon, and given the fact that my friends are quite limited I did not want to enter that conversation at all - though he pressed adamantly.

To start off he asked me, "What my problem with gays were?"

After merely stating that I didn’t like them, he continued to press on and went into the usual...

"Well, when I find someone doesn’t like homosexuals, its usually something inside of them, they personally have a problem with it. So are you a homophobe or what?"

Needless to say I was extremely displeased with this comment. I had always thought Bn to be a step above me intellectually, or at least on a day-to-day level. He has a duel major, while mine is merely a single major, plus the fact that of all the higher math classes we have taken he has greatly excelled in. I certainly do not want to paint the picture that he is far superior to me, rather I would say on a day-in-day out schedule he has the discipline/academic strive to out perform me. Though this conversation was clearly not illustrating that. The entire idea of reducing something of this complex nature to that of a, "are you homophobe?" was so ridiculous that I believe even he was taken back by it and I could see him, casually, falling back and trying to throw out that word.

He continued to spout of a few comments, comments that I felt were completely below his intellect though I restrained on the basis that I did not want to get into a drawn out debate on social politics seeing as how I can become rather fanatical.

I did not want to get drawn into a debate on social politics!

I knew I could destroy every argument he threw out, but in doing so I would open up my entire political/religious viewpoint that would allow him to see exactly where I stand on every issue. We've always seemed to make it a point to never get involved in politics, though this time it changed. I merely spent the conversation throwing out small arguments that would combat his and didn’t completely give away my political view. I felt my small “outer recesses of my political view arguments” were enough to at least combat his every argument, if not defeat them, however, we ran out of time as we both had to head to class.

How unfortunate…

2. My brother received his school grades. Yes, I do have a brother, even though I spend most of my time acting as if I don’t. The old man threw out a sheet displaying his Algebra II grade to me today and asked me to define it for him. The grade was a 78 or so which, needless to say, had the old man a little concerned over it. Knowing my brother is sometimes unruly and lacks discipline, and having some small sympathy for the teacher, I tried to present a non-bias statement towards the report card saying that the 78 could be justified, or it could not be - I needed more information. After talking with someone else it occurred to me that the teacher was a complete nut job and it was in fact my brother who deserved a higher grade. After realizing I came down on the wrong side it had me thinking about life. Somehow the entire idea of a kid being thrown out by a monstrous machine created by society seems so sad to me. Maybe it’s the idea that justice is never fulfilled, or that whole "human-condition" paradox that never seems to be resolved. In either case, I'm sure I’m not the only one shedding a tear tonight.

BN.

BN. In "I am Charlotte Simmons" there is such a concept of a "Badass Intellectual". The concept alludes to those intellectuals who are cowboys, rebels, outcasts that merely pave their own way through life - taking whatever they can get without following a path.

Enter Bn.

Bn is about as "Intellectually Badass" as you can get without hitting the big time. What does that mean? Bn is the type of person that enters your world in the midst of your strange delusional fantasies only to have you take a huge step back into reality. He reminds me of a classic non-cookie cutter mold which stands out in the midst of all those who walk through life in the mold, or image, of something they hide behind. Its for this very reason of being a "cookie-cutter mold" that Bn hates the idea of being classified as anything, and as a result the only classification you could give to him is "Badass Intellectual." The man is unreal; his mental abilities are about the highest I’ve seen - though he isn't a genius by nature. He has a calm resolve about him that allows him to step back and analyze situations. Interestingly enough, he also has the day-to-day academic discipline that enables him to surpass me academically - far surpass.

I was never one to communicate my feelings well, at least not through a direct conversation or action, though I would like to leave this entry at:

I've certainly have not had many friends through my life, and as a result my friendship towards Bn really means a lot. I won't forget it.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Xavier And Tony

The story of Xavier and Tony, a work by “Zero – ClouD”

The story of Xavier and Tony is the story of wanting to live above the limitations of the human race and its infallible human emotion. It opens with Xavier, a disgruntled American youth living at a college university that has become nothing more than a meaningless existence of pure moral decadence.

Side note: I developed this story long before reading Charlotte Simmons :)

To Xavier it is an existence not worth living, an existence that carries forth no absolute meaning or higher achievement.

Xavier is a product of the twenty first century in that he holds no definite positions of right and wrong, but merely is a being that goes through life in a daze of moral relativism - rejecting, or accepting, whatever he feels makes sense to him at the time. It’s through this complete lack of moral absolutes that drive Xavier to the one absolute in his life, mathematics. Through his constant search of religion, philosophy, and science, Xavier turns to mathematics as the one guiding principle of absolutism in his life. Though, again, being associated with the twenty first century Xavier has no complete lack of resolve towards anything - mathematics is merely a "nice idea" that fascinates him through his time spent at college but provides no true beacon of reasoning towards his life.

Through this complete lack of definite right and wrongs, Xavier begins a search for truth that will ultimately develop into the story at hand. Being a logical being, Xavier tries to look towards the confines of society as merely a machine that continues to churn. Through this churning machine there are working parts, and non-working parts, which begin to spurn the idea of eliminating the non-working parts so that the working parts function better off. I.e. if you remove the prostitutes, drug dealers, rap artists, and criminals society will in turn develop into a better working machine. Logically, through complete mathematical reasoning, Xavier concludes that human life has no inherit value other than the value we place upon it. Those "non-working parts", i.e. the parts that degrade society, should be eliminated without any remorse.

Enter Tony. Tony is a disgruntled youth at the university as well, though much more so than Xavier. Tony has been following the same logical reasoning that Xavier has, and has come to the conclusion that society should cleanse itself of those "non-working" parts in order to benefit society as a whole.

The plot of the story unfolds as these two meet and begin to discuss the concept of acting out their beliefs. To Xavier this is merely a thought experiment, an idea that holds no absolute moral relevance, but merely a nice experiment he'll try for the mere reason of having something to occupy his time. Tony, on the other hand, is a man who lives by his reasoning - a man who has become completely separated from any type of human emotion. Once these two meet and begin to carry for their idea of "cleansing the non-working parts of society" the exhilarating plot of the story takes place....

I'd like to draw the distinction between Tony and Xavier. Tony being the man who lives solely by logical reasoning will have no difficulty in removing the less than desired elements of society out, i.e. drug dealers, prostitutes, criminals... Xavier on the other hand represents the lost youth of America which perceive themselves to be logical beings without moral absolutes, but do carry with them morals and absolutes that they themselves do not even know that exist which in turn creates the atmosphere of being lost - not being in accordance with what you know to be the absolute moral authority.

The story will unfold with Xavier taking the small logical steps towards Tony's philosophy, but as the philosophy develops out further and further, Xavier finds himself at fault with a perfectly logical system - thus he turns towards morality, human infallibility, and as a result finds the morality he was searching for.

I love it. If only I can find the discipline to write it all out.

I have the key scenes in place that will act as the turning point in the story and will in turn lead Xavier to turn away from Tony and his idea of living through pure reasoning.

[Spoiler]...Ha

The scene: Tony and Xavier will begin killing known drug dealers, gang-members, and the like. They will also justify this through a "no-human-emotion policy" as well as through pure logical mathematics, which will be developed within the book. Tony will ultimately "cross the line" when he confesses to Xavier he has been killing prostitutes. Xavier will find extreme fault with this, but will reluctantly abstain from leaving the philosophy as he is merely a being that holds no complete absolutes and in turn will reluctantly continue onwards with his experiment to see it to the conclusion.

Side Note: The great idea behind this is the gray area that ultimately destroys the philosophy, as Xavier will find out - you can justify starting it, though you cannot justify ending it. You can merely add more categories of "non-working parts" to the list, until the list perpetuates itself into a monster that cannot be contained and begins to consume all that it touches.

Tony will not only confess that he has been killing prostitutes, but also that he has been having sex with them before he has killed them. This will in turn begin to divide the line from Tony being a man, to Tony being a monster. This is the pivotal moment that drives Tony to become the enemy as Xavier, not even through logical proofs and reasoning that has been presented to him, can allow himself to accept the fact that Tony has been acting "as a God."

Anyways, that’s the gist of the story. Though, I have concocted a pretty sweet ending that will lead the story straight back to the beginning – symbolic of Xavier and his “American youth lost in the wilderness” type of mentality.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Charlotte Simmons

I am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe.

Interesting book, I'd recommend it as an interesting read, though not a great read. I'm about seven chapters into it and am only discovering what I already know - namely higher education is nothing more than a joke, a mere excuse to party.

The book does have some excellent points, namely chapter six. Charlotte finds her roommate waking her up at 2:00 in the morning, asking her to leave so her and her boyfriend can have sex in the dorm room. Charlotte, after being horrified at the request, leaves and wonders through dorm aimlessly looking for somewhere to sleep. This point becomes the proverbial "straw that breaks the camels back", and Charlotte finds herself deeply disturbed over the fact that higher education is merely a front for complete decadence.

As a result of this disturbing line of thought, she decides to call a friend from her past, Laurie, who is a sophomore at another university. Being a year ahead of Charlotte, and thus having more experience and expertise, Charlotte believes Laurie will have the guiding words of encouragement to guide her through this troubling time.

Short side note on Laurie: Charlotte recalls Laurie baptizing people in the ice cold river water of Allegheny County, NC - alluding to her incredible spiritual foundation.

So what happens? Needless to say I love this part, though I don't particularly love the entire book:

Laurie answers the phone with obscene rap music blaring in the background. Immediately, within a few lines, Charlotte gets down to business and begins commenting on how life at Dupont, her university, is nothing but a lavish affair of moral decadence.

Laurie, who you would think would be the spiritual foundation in Charlotte's life, begins to slowly degrade the conversation to, "Having sex really isn't that bad, it’s not that serious." Then completely breaks loose and comments on how life back in Allegheny County was merely a prison for the sole fact that life included relationship obligations - if you had sex, you paid the consequences of sex via the entire town knowing what you've done and where you've been. Laurie, being a complete idiot, does bring one well-stated point into the conversation when she states something to the effect of,
"...College is like this four-year period you have when you can try anything - and everything - and if it goes wrong, there's no consequences? You know what I mean? Nobody's keeping score? You can do things that if you tried them before you got to college, your family would be crying and pulling their hair out and giving you these now see-what-you've-gone-and-done-looks? - and everybody in Sparta would be clucking and fuming and having a ball talking behind your back about it?..."
All this coming from the girl who participated in baptisms in the stream of the local river. Though it is a good point, and it alludes to the narcissistic self that removes all social ties in order to live completely free, or as free as one can live, within the world they create for themselves.

The key point I like in this chapter is the concept of Charlotte losing all of her faith and desperately reaching out to try and find someone who can reaffirm what she believes. She frantically reaches out in a last-ditch-effort only to hear blaring rap music on the other end of the phone from an "illiterate rap artist."

Personally, I think I like the chapter so much because of the relation to myself. Maybe we've all been there, but I know for one I have. Trying desperately to find something genuine in the world only to realize that everyone has succumbed to the MTV lifestyle of pure pointless moral degradation.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Logic

Is logic nothing more than a mere line of thought that has yet to be defeated by another line of thought?

Is anything really logical, or rather is there really a set standard of logic that cannot be broken?

I was thinking about this a few days back during Theory of Equations. The professor said something to the effect of a logical statement, and it had me thinking. Isn't everything in this world merely grounded within human perception? There are really two types of reality, that external of the human race, and that involving the human race. The problem is that the entire "school of logic" that humanity subscribes to is merely human perception, so in reality humanity can perceive the world to be whatever they wish it to be. So, that being said, here comes logic. When someone says something is logical, isn’t that really stating...

"This is merely a line of thinking that has yet to be beaten, or surpassed, by a superior line of thinking, thus we believe this to be infallible, or logical."

So maybe the definition should be changed to:

Logic – That which is attributed to a certain idea or thought, that has yet to be beaten by a superior line of thought.

Because think about it. When someone states, “It sounded good at the time” aren’t they really stating: “As far as I could tell at the time it seemed very logical, as no superior idea had beaten it, though now looking back – and in light of this new line of thinking – I realize my idea of thought wasn’t the best.”

Isn’t that why people are insane? Aren’t they merely refusing the accept a superior line of thought that defeats their own?

Just a thought.

Friday, November 04, 2005

MM/. 2

Talking with MM again today, usually every Friday we go into an hour or so discussion. She wasn't all-seductive, as she usually is, which worried me some. Last time we talked she said something to the effect of, "you're pretty self conscious", which in turn is a negative attribute, considering how those type of girls work. It doesn’t bother me though, I just hope its not one of those scenarios in which the decision is made arbitrarily for you. Instead of saying, "Let's @!#@" (as she would) it reduces her argument to "I don’t have time for that bullshit, I'll find someone serious."

I began to expand that onward and I hope that that simple concept doesn’t encompass my life. I hope that others haven’t simple labeled me according to what I’ve done and in turn thrown me into some arbitrary pile of, "that guy isn't serious." The more I think about it, the more I think that’s how things have turned out.

Pointless Stories

..."It tells it with the urgency and pointlessness that all men's stories have, because if something has happened to us, then it is important to us no matter how indifferent the world may be."

http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051103/REVIEWS/51019007

As I was proctoring a test for business statistics, I began surfing the Internet and came across that quote. I must have ran it through my mind a dozen times or so as I stared out towards the faces of the twenty or thirty students in the class. I kept thinking:

"That’s how it is, isn’t it? Everyone has a story to tell, millions of us spouting out useless stories that no one will read. We are all just running through life shrieking our heads off, dying to tell someone, anyone, of our stories only to find that in the midst of our own shrieking there are thousands more beside us doing the same - drowning out our voices."

At that point I wanted to stand up and ask the class what they were doing, why they were taking the test. What drove them to this statistic course and what inside of them made them think that taking this statistic test would make them a better person? But that’s just my ideas and me.

MM/. 1

Conversation with MM that I had a few days back, went something like this:

[First she goes on and on about how many guys she had slept with]


MM: I'm not real religious.


Me: That’s quite unfortunate.


MM: Why is that?


Me: Well, if there is no God then nothing really matters right? No one is watching…


Immediately she cut me off and stated in her seductive/innocent/logical tone that still boggles my mind:


MM: But you're watching...


Check and mate. I thought it was such a good comeback that I did not dare go into a philosophical discussion and try to undermine it. It completely caught me off guard to the point where I didn’t even know what to say after that. Just an interesting point.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

MM.

In stepping into the midst of a brave new chapter within my life, it only seemed fitting that a journal should be created as catalyst to see me through this.

So as this new chapter unfolds I find many new things in particular occurring: graduation, lack of faith, as well as a very interesting girl named MM. I've always made it a point to never use full names within my online journal entries. MM. The type of girl that shows up in the midst of your midlife crisis only to have you question what you've known that much further. The type of girl that all known logic would advise against, the type that sane man looking towards the future would adamantly avoid - though unfortunately those words don't seem to apply to me.

So who is she? She is the type of girl you don’t take home to mother. Remember all those interesting concepts that mother used to say concerning "dirty girls", or even all of those qualities that would illicit an "immoral woman?" MM fits the bill perfectly. She is the buoyant type that you see yourself making a tragic mistake with, the type that you just cant seem to shake once they enter your mind - and she is rather interested in me. I should qualify, as interested as a type of girl like that gets - the weekly feed, the hunger that she has to quench.

So enter the dilemma. As I’ve stated before a man looking towards the future would certainly stay away from her - though I stopped believing in the future a long time ago. And her allure is quite intriguing, though I would not classify it as sexually tempting. I constantly find myself looking towards her and asking myself the question, "She goes against all that I’ve known, and yet there she is?" I find it similar to the peer who first offers you the cigarette only to have you finding it so vile, so revolting, that you absolutely must have it. It’s not quite the same way, though it does compare in that:

“When a man’s mind is left to it’s own devices, it finds itself at the doors of destruction.”

So here I am, allowing my mind to wonder towards all that I’ve been taught to stay away, but in the end isn’t that how it always ends? The fall of man, Pandora’s box, the tragic mistake that everyone makes that ultimately leads to their own apocalypse...

...but as for right now, I'm just living in the prelude.

Labels:

The First

In creating a new journal, I find myself asking the question as to what to place in it?