"CalLing Card"

MM.

I distinctly remember telling myself, "If you want it, take it" though just as so many young men often do, I was guilty of spurting out nonsensical talk that I knew nothing of. Through my elaborate visions, I had made for myself a fantastical illusion that had flown me into the highest peaks of the heaven, only to then allow me to fall into the farthest depths of hell.

I took it, I took MM today and like a naive doe stuck within the headlights of an oncoming train I find myself praying to God for salvation. I find myself harkening back to the fall of man, to the first temptation of Eve only to realize that I have fallen into a trap that has been marked from the dawn of time - a trap as old as humanity and as fresh as each passing generation, the trap of sex. I suddenly understand the wisdom that so many had tried to pass on, the wisdom that is impossible to teach, but rather must be learnt through cold bitter experience...

So says the poet,

"My child, be attentive to my wisdom, pay close attention to my understanding, in order to safeguard discretion, and that your lips may guard knowledge. For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her seductive words are smoother than olive oil, but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. Lest she should make level the path leading to life, her paths are unstable but she does not know it. So now, children, listen to me; do not turn aside from the words I speak. Keep yourself far from her, and do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your vigor to others and your years to a cruel person, lest strangers devour your strength, and your labor benefit another man’s house. And at the end of your life you will groan when your flesh and your body are wasted away. And you will say, “How I hated discipline! My heart spurned reproof! For I did not obey my teachers and I did not heed my instructors. I almost came to complete ruin in the midst of the whole congregation!” - Proverbs 5:1-14

Life is a hard teacher, though without a doubt life has taught me the lesson of a lifetime - the lesson of sex, the lesson of redemption, the lesson of falling into complete oblivion.

As I walked out of her apartment I couldn't help feel that I had just made a trade, I had traded myself for a cheap handmade mug that bore the name of MM - a calling card. An object that would forever mark that MM was here, MM had done this, and MM had left her business card. I stared into the elaborate font that marked her name upon the bottom of the mug only to feel that the name might as well be marked within my very skin, that instead of marking it into the cheap mug she should have been sound about it and scratched it into my flesh with her burning nails. She should have torn away at my flesh and carved it into my soul so the physical scars would bare testament to the spiritual scars of fear and disdain.

...Though in the end I am merely left with an a plain unwanted mug...

MM.

In stepping into the midst of a brave new chapter within my life, it only seemed fitting that a journal should be created as catalyst to see me through this.

So as this new chapter unfolds I find many new things in particular occurring: graduation, lack of faith, as well as a very interesting girl named MM. I've always made it a point to never use full names within my online journal entries. MM. The type of girl that shows up in the midst of your midlife crisis only to have you question what you've known that much further. The type of girl that all known logic would advise against, the type that sane man looking towards the future would adamantly avoid - though unfortunately those words don't seem to apply to me.

So who is she? She is the type of girl you don’t take home to mother. Remember all those interesting concepts that mother used to say concerning "dirty girls", or even all of those qualities that would illicit an "immoral woman?" MM fits the bill perfectly. She is the buoyant type that you see yourself making a tragic mistake with, the type that you just cant seem to shake once they enter your mind - and she is rather interested in me. I should qualify, as interested as a type of girl like that gets - the weekly feed, the hunger that she has to quench.

So enter the dilemma. As I’ve stated before a man looking towards the future would certainly stay away from her - though I stopped believing in the future a long time ago. And her allure is quite intriguing, though I would not classify it as sexually tempting. I constantly find myself looking towards her and asking myself the question, "She goes against all that I’ve known, and yet there she is?" I find it similar to the peer who first offers you the cigarette only to have you finding it so vile, so revolting, that you absolutely must have it. It’s not quite the same way, though it does compare in that:

“When a man’s mind is left to it’s own devices, it finds itself at the doors of destruction.”

So here I am, allowing my mind to wonder towards all that I’ve been taught to stay away, but in the end isn’t that how it always ends? The fall of man, Pandora’s box, the tragic mistake that everyone makes that ultimately leads to their own apocalypse...

...but as for right now, I'm just living in the prelude.